BAD
BOY PAGE XI
1. You have the bladder capacity of five people.
2. You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
3. You believe at least 50% of people are a waste of skin.
4. Your idea of a good time is a cell entry at shift change.
5. You do a strip search on anyone who seems remotely friendly towards you.
6. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal.
7. You find humor in other people's stupidity.
8. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
9. Your idea of comforting an inmate is placing him in full bed restraints.
10. You believe that "shallow gene pool" is sufficient grounds for a conduct report.
11. You believe the government should require extensive testing and permits prior to reproduction.
12. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, it sure is quiet around here."
13. Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track.
14. You believe chocolate is a food group.
15. You have contemplated holding a seminar titled "SUICIDE - Getting It Right The First Time."
16. You believe that "Too stupid to live" is a valid verdict.
17. You have to put the phone down before you begin laughing uncontrollably.
18. You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
19. Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
20. When you mention "vegetables," you are not referring to the food group.
21. It occurs to you one night that you really have entered, "The Twilight Zone."
22. You find out a lot about paranoia just by following inmates around.
23. You're escorting a smurf to clinical and find yourself carrying on an intelligent conversation with him.
24. You believe it's not a good riot unless it involves overtime.
25. You are the only person introduced by profession at a social gathering.
26. You walk into places and people think it highly comical to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you, Frank!"
27. People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into the room in uniform and they think they are being hysterically funny and original.
28. You believe in involuntary sterilization.
29. You had to work 18 years to earn what the rookies are starting at now.
30. Your mother-in-law refers to you as "That lazy prison guard my daughter married".
31. You work in Clinical and some of what you're hearing is starting to make sense.
…You have the bladder capacity of five people
…You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm
…Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change
…You call for a criminal check of anyone who seems friendly to you
…Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you
…You identify a negative "teeth to tattoo" ratio just by looking at a person
…You find humor in other people's stupidity
…You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see
…You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance
…You believe unspeakable evils will fall upon you if someone says, "boy, it sure is quiet here tonight"
…Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track
…You believe chocolate is a food group
…When someone calls you a jerk, you take it as a compliment
…You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide, get it right the first time"
…You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid verdict
…You have ever had to put the phone on hold, so you could laugh uncontrollably
…You believe a certain dispatcher is possessed by a demon
…Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion
…You think caffeine should be available in IV form
…You have heard the sergeant muttering down the hall, "who's in charge of this mess"
…Your prisoner states, "I don't know how it got there"
…It occurs to you suddenly one night that you are policing the Twilight Zone
…You believe anyone who says, "I only had two or three beers" and blows over 150
…You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around
…You are told to deliver a human jaw in a jar and you find yourself talking to it there on the seat beside you
…You believe it's not a good death unless it involves overtime
…You are the only person introduced at a social gathering by his profession
…You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, "they've come to get you, Bill or Fred or whoever"
…You do not see daylight from November to May
…You believe office meetings are always called at the end of your shift
…People shout "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and they think it's original and hugely funny
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.
Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand...
Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so
the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with
yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not a damn thing.
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Borofkin.
Q: What's his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them
your first name!
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.
Q: Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I should be.
Q: How many times have you comitted suicide?
A: Four times.
Q: Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A: That is the only kind I know.
And the Lord said, "Have you read the spec on this order? A correction officer has to be able to run five miles through
galleries in the dark, scale walls, enter cells the health inspector wouldn't touch, and not wrinkle his uniform."
"He has to be able to sit in a cage all day on duty, run to a red alert that night, frisk the yard for contraband, and
testify in court the next day."
"He has to be in top physical condition at all times, running on black coffee and half-eaten meals. And he has to have
six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands... no way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord, it's the three pairs of eyes an officer has to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
The Lord nodded. One pair that sees through a bulge in a pocket before he asks, "Do you have any weapons on you?"
(When he already knows and wishes he'd taken that accounting job.) Another pair here in the side of his head for his
partners' safety. And another pair of eyes here in front that can look at a bleeding victim and say, "You'll be all right",
when he knows it isn't so.
"Lord," said the angel, touching his sleeve, "rest and work on this tomorrow."
"I can't," said the Lord, "I already have a model that can talk a 250 pound felon into his cell without incident and feed
a family of five on a civil service paycheck."
The angel circled the model of the peace officer very slowly, "Can it think?" she asked.
"You bet." said the Lord. "It can tell you the elements of a hundred crimes; recite Department violations in its sleep;
detain, investigate, search and lock up a gang member in the yard in less time than it takes five learned judges to
debate the legality of the policy and still it keeps its sense of humor"
"This officer also has phenomenal personal control. He can deal with crime scenes painted in hell, coax a confession
from an evasive inmate, deal with an inmates family, and then read in the daily paper how, Corrections isn't sensitive
to the rights of convicted felons."
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the check of the peace officer. "There's a leak," she pronounced, "I
told you that you were trying to put too much into this model."
"That's not a leak," said the Lord. "it's a tear."
"What's the tear for?" asked the angel.
"It's for the bottled-up emotions, for fallen comrades, for commitment to that funny piece of cloth called the American
flag, for justice."
"You're a genius," said the angel.
The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there," he said.
Author Unknown
BAD BOY PAGE I - The Page of Rings
BAD BOY PAGE II - MEMORIAL - An article regarding a deputy slain in 1885
BAD BOY PAGE III - Some thought provoking Words
BAD BOY PAGE IV - The Page of Wisconsin Agencies
BAD BOY PAGE V - The Page of Illinois Agencies
BAD BOY PAGE VI - The Page of U.S. Law Enforcement Agencies
BAD BOY PAGE VII - The Page of Correctional Facilities
BAD BOY PAGE VIII - The Page for Youth Workers
BAD BOY PAGE IX - The Page of Federal/National Links
BAD BOY PAGE X - The Page of Bad Boy Links and Homepages
BAD BOY PAGE XI - The Page of Humor
BAD BOY PAGE XII - The Page of Law Enforcement Vehicles
BAD BOY PAGE XIII - The Page of Equipment Distributors
On April 30, 2001